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You Cannot Watch the Watcher
Early in my recovery, I mistakenly thought that the Witness was something to be sought. I had read enough on spirituality to intellectually understand it. A silent awareness behind the noise of the ego. The part of me that could watch a craving instead of being dragged off by it. So one morning I decided…
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The One Looking Out the Window
Not long after I got sober, I was on a bus to the supermarket. Nothing about the moment was remarkable. I just remember mindlessly staring out of the window as the town slid past. And then something shifted in me. I realised that whatever was within me, watching the town slide past, was the same…
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Addiction is a Misguided Attempt to Quench a Spiritual Thirst
For years I battled with addiction. There were brief periods of sobriety, lasting a few weeks at most. But sooner or later, the addiction won out. I felt like I was living two lives. In one, I was desperately trying to stay sober. In the other, I just wanted oblivion. I lost count of the…
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The Witness Is Not a Personality Upgrade
I spent the first few years of my sobriety turning self-improvement into an Olympic sport. I meditated. I journalled. I read books about consciousness that I barely understood. I spoke in meetings about “the observer” and “being present” with the quiet satisfaction of someone who believed they were getting somewhere. And in many ways I…
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Why Watching a Craving Weakens It
A craving, at full intensity, does not feel like something you have. It feels like something you are. There is no distance between you and the wanting. The thought arises and you are already inside it, already moving toward the thing, already justifying it. The craving and the person experiencing it have merged into one.…
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The Monkey Mind Is Not Broken. It’s Just Outdated
I am 53 years old. I remember the world before the internet, and I remember it with a certain fondness, though I am aware enough to question whether that fondness is wisdom or simply nostalgia. Perhaps both. What I am more certain of is this: I have a slight aversion to smartphones. I own one…
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Your Suffering Lives in the Stories You Tell Yourself
Early memories stick. I can still see my five-year-old self standing at the edge of the playground, watching the other boys play football. I wanted to join in, but I couldn’t move. What held me back wasn’t the game itself, but the narrative running in my head: I’ll be rubbish. They’ll laugh at me. I…
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Relapse Isn’t the Problem. Unconsciousness Is
I relapsed countless times. I know the hell of ‘coming to’ drenched in panic, not knowing whether it’s day or night, and wondering where your other boot is! Then scrambling to find a bottle to seek oblivion again, quickly, before reality rears its monstrous head. In those hellish days I framed each relapse as a…
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A Relapse Prevention Framework: Intuition, Intention & Action
Most relapses don’t begin with a drink, a drug, or a destructive behaviour. They begin quietly, internally, long before anything external happens. A thought drifts in. A feeling follows. A familiar internal conversation starts up again. The body tightens. The mind offers a solution. Relief appears to be on offer. By the time the substance…
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Meditate Rather than Intoxicate – Meditation as a Tool for Relapse Prevention
The coming of the hideous four horsemen There’s always a moment on the other side of a binge where you come to, wondering where you are, what happened and whether there is a bottle somewhere. If you manage to find a bottle that isn’t empty, you know you can at least blot out reality for…