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The Witness Is Not a Personality Upgrade
I spent the first few years of my sobriety turning self-improvement into an Olympic sport. I meditated. I journalled. I read books about consciousness that I barely understood. I spoke in meetings about “the observer” and “being present” with the quiet satisfaction of someone who believed they were getting somewhere. And in many ways I
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Why Watching a Craving Weakens It
A craving, at full intensity, does not feel like something you have. It feels like something you are. There is no distance between you and the wanting. The thought arises and you are already inside it, already moving toward the thing, already justifying it. The craving and the person experiencing it have merged into one.
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The Monkey Mind Is Not Broken. It’s Just Outdated
I am 53 years old. I remember the world before the internet, and I remember it with a certain fondness, though I am aware enough to question whether that fondness is wisdom or simply nostalgia. Perhaps both. What I am more certain of is this: I have a slight aversion to smartphones. I own one
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Your Suffering Lives in the Stories You Tell Yourself
Early memories stick. I can still see my five-year-old self standing at the edge of the playground, watching the other boys play football. I wanted to join in, but I couldn’t move. What held me back wasn’t the game itself, but the narrative running in my head: I’ll be rubbish. They’ll laugh at me. I
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Relapse Isn’t the Problem. Unconsciousness Is
I relapsed countless times. I know the hell of ‘coming to’ drenched in panic, not knowing whether it’s day or night, and wondering where your other boot is! Then scrambling to find a bottle to seek oblivion again, quickly, before reality rears its monstrous head. In those hellish days I framed each relapse as a
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A Relapse Prevention Framework: Intuition, Intention & Action
Most relapses don’t begin with a drink, a drug, or a destructive behaviour. They begin quietly, internally, long before anything external happens. A thought drifts in. A feeling follows. A familiar internal conversation starts up again. The body tightens. The mind offers a solution. Relief appears to be on offer. By the time the substance
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Meditate Rather than Intoxicate – Meditation as a Tool for Relapse Prevention
The coming of the hideous four horsemen There’s always a moment on the other side of a binge where you come to, wondering where you are, what happened and whether there is a bottle somewhere. If you manage to find a bottle that isn’t empty, you know you can at least blot out reality for
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Expanding Awareness in a World That Wants to Shrink it
Tuning in beyond the static All of what I write on this blog comes from my lived experience trying to deepen a connection with a higher power, god, universal consciousness, blah blah… Whatever ‘it’ is, it can’t be confined to a word. The Twelve Step path introduced me to spirituality, and in hindsight, it was
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From Pinlight to Searchlight – A Journey into Expanded Consciousness
Realising the Narrow Scope of My Awareness Lately, I’ve noticed something unsettling: my field of consciousness feels incredibly narrow – like a pinlight in a vast dark room. I have no idea if this is how it is for others. It’s not exactly water cooler conversation material, and honestly, consciousness is a hard thing to
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Meditation and its Benefits in Addiction Recovery
Quitting drink and drugs was the best thing I’ve ever done for my wellbeing. And regular meditation is the second best thing. Despite meditation being part of Step 11, it surprises me how few people in the rooms of AA practice it regularly or at all. There is a misconception that you somehow need to